effingobnoxious

so, i was having a conversation with my friend about break-downs. college is the major leading factor to them for both of us. she said she's glad she's gotten past the bursting-out-into-tears stage of the semester, so she can actually get some work done. i noted that i never really get over that stage, and it generally comes in waves. then we discussed how the number of break-downs has been significantly higher for both of us this semester than in semesters past.
...then i had the realization of how FUCKED UP that is! it is NOT okay for us all to accept extreme emotional instability and distress as a simple fact of life as a student. i LIKE to learn. that's why i decided to go to college, not so that i can repeatedly push my self to the limits of my sanity (which, by the way, i think i reached a while ago, and yet have somehow managed to vaguely function up to this point).
seriously. what. the. fuck.

now if you'll excuse me, i have about 15 pages to write by thursday.

it's been a long week......month.......winter......year.
everything is piling up, and i'm not handling it well.

when it rains, it fucking pours.
i'd better learn to swim.

sigh.

i went to my great grandmother's memorial service today.

she was 90 years old (born in 1918). her health had been going downhill little by little for years, but she was still fairly healthy considering how old she was. she was on oxygen all of the time, and sometimes had difficulty breathing. she had been praying to die for over a year. everytime we would go see her, she would complain that god wasn't answering her prayers...and sometimes she would yell at him. though i'll miss her and we were fairly close, it was kind of a relief that she finally went. she died peacefully, while taking a nap, and she really wanted to go.

she grew up at belmont and western. she was a hardcore cubs fan her entire life. she started skating at the riverview roller rink when she was a teenager. she competed and won medals in speed skating, skate marathons, and roller derby. my grandfather also skated, and that's how they met. she used to clip the skates of other girls trying to flirt with him when she skated past, and make them fall. they won roller dance competitions together. they were especially good at fox trot and waltz. she had three daughters and 21 grandchildren (including all of the family that married in). her favorite color was purple.

my two cousins closest to me in age and i kept it together throughout the whole service. none of us are religious at all, so the cerimonious stuff didn't really get to us. because she was such a huge baseball fan, my great grandmother requested that they play take me out to the ball game at the end of the service and that everyone should sing along. that's when we all lost it. whenever we were about to start something or go somewhere, instead of saying "let's go" or something, she would always say "play ball!" it was just a perfect way to end the sevice.

then we had lunch at the elks' club, where my great grandfather had been a member. after that we went to my grandma's house and had dessert and dinner, and just hung out all night. drinks started being consumed at about 11.30am at lunch, and this continued at least until we left at 10.30pm. my aunt said my 14 year old cousin could have 1 beer, and my 23 year old cousin gave him three more and kept slipping him his glass of scotch throughout the night. it was really fun. i'm glad i had the opportunity to see my whole family and socialize with them all day. it's a shame it doesn't happen more often and is usually under such sad conditions. i forget sometimes how awesome they are. i'm glad that i have a family i genuinely enjoy spending time with. it seems like that's not usually the case.

overally, it was a pretty good day...and i'm exhausted.

OH, BABY, WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME?
OH, BABY, YOU JUST WANT ME EMPTY!
OH, BABY, YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING!
OH, BABY, WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME?

YOU DON'T SAY, YOU DON'T SAY, YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING.....

it's snowing again. pretty heavily too.

i hate snow. i hate cold. i hate winter. i am furious about the weather 4 months of the year.
most people say they hate the winter this time of year. i say it in august when it's 110 with 500% humidity.

the high tomorrow is supposed to be about 15 and only 5 on thursday. both of those days i'm supposed to be on campus 9.30-4.45.

needless to say i'm pissed.....and cold.

My and my roommate's relationship has felt a bit strained lately. Our friendship feels kind of forced and not very genuine. This makes me really sad. She never comes home after work anymore. She always seems to have plans to hang out with someone, almost always one of our mutual friends, and I'm never invited. I feel like a left out little kid, who just discovered that she has been replaced by other friends.

I know living together often puts stress on friendships, but I hope it gets better.
Our friendship is really important to me.

i was just danced the night away with some friends. at one point the song idioteque by radiohead came on. it made me think of a good friend of mine. this was a pretty fond memory. that is, until i remembered that he recently overdosed. i had to fight pretty hard not to start crying right there on the dance floor...it's strange how these things hit you in waves.
damn it...

Vienna is sweet. I was just being really emo and homesick before. I still need to make more friends, but I really like living here...and isn't that like the story of my life anyways?
But it's still no Chicago. I'm really excited about living with Kristi next year. I'm really glad I got over the depression thing. I'm also really looking forward to traveling with Jenna Andriano. She's awesome.

I want to be back in Chicago. I think this was a mistake. Maybe I can handle a semester, but I think a full year is going to kill me. Why isn't anyone else here upset? This sucks.

I don't even have internet in my room. Apparently they can't get my computer to hook into the network. I'm on a school computer and it's hard to type because the keys are different and I can't even find the post button because everything on the screen is in German.

fuck German...